Perception Part One

I had a dream last night and as I was thinking about what was happening in my dream, it occurred to me that in all of my dreams, I'm skinny.  I look good.  And it made me wonder if that is what my subconscious thinks I actually look like.  And then I wonder if my subconscious is oblivious to what I really look like, is my conscious self also oblivious?
For those of you who don't know this about me, I'm kind of obsessed with my weight.  I'm working on it. and trying to be happy with the way I look, but I'm not.  Let's go back in time for a bit shall we.  Time travel is fun.
It's 1997 and I'm eighteen years old.  I didn't worry about my weight back then.  I was 5 feet 4 inches tall and 120 pounds.  Sure life got more difficult for me when I left home and went to college in the sense that now I have to take care of myself and figure out how to be an adult, but I was happy.  I liked the way I looked and I didn't think I needed to change it or worry about any of it.  I also didn't have a car, so if I wanted to go somewhere, I took the bus or walked.  I was a regular Elizabeth Bennett.  All I really remember about that book is that she walked.  A lot.  No, I do remember the basic plot as well, but meh.  It was alright.  (This is off subject, but here's my tiny rant any way:  I don't really like Jane Austen that much.  All of her stories are about how girls need to get married so their lives can begin.  Girls do not need to get married for their lives to begin.  Your life began when you were born and it will continue whether you are married or not.  Besides.  Life ends at marriage.  Why do you think all those princess movies end at their weddings?  Because after your wedding your life is over!  Picture me yelling that like Liz Lemon would.  She's awesome.  End rant.)
Then, in 1998, I met the man I was going to marry.  I didn't know I was going to marry him when I met him. It wasn't all our eyes locked and time stopped and we just knew.  No.  That's not how it went down.  That's not real life, and that's a story for another blog.  If I ever decide to tell it.  It's kind of embarrassing.
In 1999, I ended up marrying a man I barely knew.  He barely knew me.  We'd hardly scratched the surface of getting to know one another when we got married.  I didn't know he was addicted to computer games.  He didn't know I wanted to be an actress.  Many nights, I went to bed alone and in tears because my husband could not stop playing the computer.  I thought there was something wrong with me and started eating candy and sweets.  I gained weight.  I was 135 pounds.
In 2000, I decided I wanted to have a baby.  After he was born, in May 2001, I was 154 pounds.  Then I had another baby seventeen months later (October of 2002) and I weighed 160 something pounds.  After my last child was born in December of 2004, I weighed 178 pounds.  At the end of my pregnancy with him (before he was born), I weighed 197 pounds.  I was so uncomfortable.  I remember looking at my husband, and telling him that I can't let my body get this big after he is born.  "My body can't support this much weight."
In 2007, I realized how unhappy I was.  It was like I had been living in some sort of foggy depression horrible state that is hard to describe and you will only understand if you have experienced it.  I wasn't depressed because I was over-weight.  That just added to it.  I was depressed because I had nothing.  I had no joy.  I knew I had to change something.  So I did.  I told my husband that I wasn't happy.  That was so freaking hard for me to do.  I told him that I remembered being happy and I want to be happy again.  All I could think was, what was I doing when I was happy?  I was acting.  I was fulfilling my calling in life.  I was doing what I was born to do.
I started loosing weight because let's face it.  Things were changing for women in Hollywood, but they still really haven't changed that much.  I knew I wouldn't stand a chance at my current weight.  So I lost 37 pounds over two years.  I auditioned and I got a few roles here and there.  In 2009, I starred in a play.  That was huge for me.  I learned that I can carry a show and be the ingenue.  I'd never had that role before.  It was a great feeling!  It really was.  But I didn't think that at 141 pounds, I was skinny enough.  I needed to loose 21 more pounds.  Then I would look good.  I was eating right and I didn't have sweets in the house.  I was exercising.  That's when I reached the dreaded plateau.  I hit 141, and I stayed there.  I didn't know what to do.  I was frustrated and it was Halloween time.  I ate some Halloween candy.  I gained two pounds.  That was when the pendulum began to swing back for me.  In 2010, I was 151.  In 2012, I felt like I was well on my way to getting back to 178.  You see, I was 168 pounds.  I stayed there pretty steady, too.  But I want to be 120 pounds, dammit!  So here I am.  In November, I lost seven pounds.  Then I got sick in December.  I got better, but before I could resume my work out, I got sick again.  With all the baptism, wedding, and holiday stuff, I've gained five pounds.  I'm finally better, and I started my work out again this morning, and I am doing my darnedest to eat right.  That's still kind of a foreign concept to me though.  I also get a lot of push back from the rest of the people in my family when I try to change things up around here.
That's the story of my weight gain/loss/gain again.  And I took longer than I thought I would to tell it, too.  So I will continue this tomorrow.